Last week when I was looking through baby pictures of Ellie with her impending 3rd birthday, I ran across the picture on the left. I was floored. I mean, it is really no secret to me how much I used to weigh, and how far I have come, but I guess I never saw what was right in front of me in the mirror. But when I reflect back on that time of my life, it is so much more than the physical that you see. Stumbling across this picture has led me to really think about how I felt, and what was going on with me.
Fast forward to yesterday, and my dear sweet friend of 30+ years called to chat and catch up with me. We started discussing how time slips away, and you don't stay in touch with people as much as you want to. Life is busy, especially when you have kids. But I told her in all honesty, losing touch for me for two whole years of my life was my way of shutting out the world.
The girl in that picture was carrying the world on her shoulders. I don't need to get into all the details, but I was very broken, very desperate, very angry, bitter, sad, and any other negative emotion you could think of. I could sit here and complain about all the terrible things that were done to me, but the truth of the matter is, I hold myself responsible for ever allowing me to get into such a dark place. See, so many people look for love, a job, material things, or other people to make them happy. Let me tell you friends, no one else on this earth is responsible for your happiness. And if you are unhappy, then you need to take a good long hard look in the mirror. If someone is mistreating you, then stop letting them and stop enabling them! You are a priceless, valuable, beautiful creation of God, and no one has the right to make you feel otherwise. But it starts with you. You have to believe that! The biggest regret I have is letting that go on way longer than it needed to. Because I have two girls that need to know how they deserve to be treated. If you are a parent, you always have to set the right example for them. But to take care of them, you need to take care of yourself first! You will never, ever be able to make a spouse/significant other/ or child happy, if you are not happy with yourself. Stop all of the negative talk because that is from the devil himself.
I get it....I told myself all of those lies too. I am not good enough, I deserve this, this is my fault, I am unlovable, something is wrong with me...then I would eat to conceal my feelings and cried myself to sleep, or hid in the bathroom so no one would know just how broken I really was. I didn't sleep, I was constantly in fear of what could happen next. And I remember praying so many times, God just fix this and make everything alright, just give me what I want- a family. Thinking about that girl now just makes me sad for her- if she only knew how much better life was going to be and how thankful she would be for God saying NO and answering her prayers differently. Don't ever think God has abandoned you. Or that He doesn't care about your desires or prayers- HE just knows better! He knows what you need and what you don't need- if He closes a door, trust Him. There are better things ahead.
Before we hung up, my dear friend told me something that resonated with me. She told me how proud of me she is, the strength she sees in me and the happiness she can see when she talks to me now. I am so fortunate for the people in my life that stuck by me and saw me through those dark times and didn't give up on me. Thank you friend- you know who you are and your words mean everything to me! 💗
There are no coincidences when it comes to God and His timing- and it is no coincidence that I have been studying and reading about Hannah for awhile. For those that don't know the story, go read about it. It is humbling and inspiring. My biggest takeaway is remembering that sometimes God is asking you to wait so that you can learn something in the here and now and so you can grow during those times. A waiting period is very hard, especially if you are impatient- like me! But trusting and knowing that in the end the "there" will be so worth the wait, is a comforting feeling. Sometimes I think how much easier it would have been if I had met the right one and been married young, and had my vision of the perfect family that so often flashes in my head. But then I know, that just wasn't my journey. I have become stronger in this life because of the challenges I have faced. And hard times only help you to grow- if you let them. So be grateful for your journey and don't be afraid to share that with others, no matter how dark or scary it was- you never know who you may be inspiring.
Life may not look like you thought it would. And if you find yourself in the situation where you feel all is lost- hold on and look up to the One who created you. He will see you through anything and everything.
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